First, because I’m a stickler for “full disclosure”, I confess that I’m writing this post wearing pink sneakers and a tutu.
The Republicans have decided that in April 2021, after a year in which a half a million Americans have died horrible deaths separated from their families, when China poses a greater geo-political threat then the Russians ever did, when millions of children are trafficked for sex, when millions of Americans face homelessness, when 7 million fewer Americans are employed today than they were a year ago, when gigantic tech companies, more powerful than any country, use addictive products to create nutjob extremists in order to make a fortune selling… the Republicans believe the greatest threat to our homeland is boys wearing skirts. Or, to be precise, boys wearing skirts who are called Louise by their teacher (it’s okay if everyone ridicules the child like in the good old days). Clearly, we will soon be destroyed from within. Or without. Or both!
As is typical in today’s heavily Trump-flavored GOP (like an eye-watering curry left in the sun for a week), the greatest loss of mind is seen in the former confederate states where White Anglo Saxon heterosexual men are under constant attack. Why, just five months ago, a rich white guy lost a senate race — to a black man! In the Old South! These are times which try crackers’ souls. Tucker Carlson, who has personally discovered and disclosed approximately 800 million secret shocking conspiracies to destroy straight white men America, has thankfully weighed in about the urgent life or death threat from… crossdressing. These “sissy boys” may seem harmless enough in their argyle sweaters and bobby socks but… when they gather together in masses… at night… in secret… to share makeup tips — nothing and no one is safe. Thank goodness most of us have uzis laying around the house to defend our precious God-given straight-ness.
Today’s GOP has a schizophrenic relationship to personal freedom. On the one hand, showing your big ugly mouth and nose in public is an inalienable right, pandemic be damned. But if a 16 year old girl thinks she’s a guy and her parents don’t freak out, well, that calls for legislation, court fights, and standing armies.
To the right honorable State Senator Strom T. Goodoldboy 3rd:
Thank you for battling those cursed sissies, but what about the gays? You used to be on the front lines guarding against the poisoning of our traditional way of life caused by hundreds of billions (according to Tucker) of boys deciding to play with other boys — and not football! What, have all the conversion therapy clinics closed? Probably they need more tax breaks.
Yes, these transistor people are a mortal threat and must be stamped out. But we will never get anywhere fighting the skirts until we take care of the you-know-whats. It’s bad enough that the other you-know-whats are getting all… you-know-what. Sodom and Gomorrah, etc, etc.
Yours, a Son of the South and concerned Christian straight married person with Christian straight married children and Christian straight married friends who has nothing whatsoever to hide except for most of what I write on Facebook and the pictures of the Halloween party last year.
The Republican Party is a political party about nothing. It stands for nothing other than brown-nosing to the fullest extent possible anatomically a man who cares about no one but himself (and late Roman Empire interior design). The primary overarching objective and strategic plan of the Republican Party in the spring of 2021 is to get on TV a lot and own the libs. It has no platform to speak of. On the national debt, Republicans thought it was OK to borrow 2 trillion to cut corporate taxes but borrowing 2 trillion to make the lives of Americans better is very risky but actually might be okay as long as we don’t ever do it again. On China the GOP believes in being seen to be tough without doing anything to hurt Boeing or Nike. On personal freedom, Republicans believe it extends to shooting, spreading disease unhindered, and attacking the Capital but birth control and sexual orientation are matters for the state to decide.
Today’s GOP is feverishly writing new state voting laws in order to prevent another election where so many irregularities… didn’t occur. Next on the key national priority list is fighting teenage crossdressers because there’s nothing more dangerous than a prepubescent boy wearing lipstick. Perhaps we could combine both initiatives and prohibit pansies from voting unless they wear a smelly sports-themed sweatshirt (not to be pastel colored).
Third on the GOP’s comedy routine/platform, is the great threat to American security and prosperity caused by private companies firing (“cancelling”) people who previously spouted racist garbage. All those companies must be cancelled. And all the people who called for the other people to be fired, cancel all those too. Plus the people who defended the people who called for the people who used racist language to be cancelled should be cancelled. Next on the key national priorities agenda, rewriting history textbooks to correctly show that Jesus was white and even though he never dated, he wasn’t gay (and a tunic is not a dress goddammit!), that the CIA never overthrew a bunch of democratically elected governments in the 50s and 60s but even if they did it was an act of Christian charity, and that Thomas Jefferson loved all his slaves equally, those he slept with and those he didn’t. Last but most urgently, the Texas state legislature is fighting a desperate rear guard action to prevent the rapidly spreading mutant windmill armies from inciting rebellion in the panhandle. (Whoompf, whoompf, whoompf. Run! It’s the mutant windmill ar–whoompf.)
I don’t know the science behind gender dysphoria or “gender affirming treatments” but, although I am no longer a Republican, I do actually believe in personal freedom as long as it doesn’t endanger other people. When someone tells me how to pronounce their name, I do it. It’s not my choice, it’s their choice. When someone says they think they’re a different sex than their “birth sex”, who the hell am I or anyone else to tell them they’re wrong and tell them what they can and cannot do about it? Or tell their parents what they’re supposed to do? One thing is clear: the state legislators who are busy as bees trying to pass laws restricting or marginalizing trans don’t know beans about the science either. All of the GOP state legislators running around (I was going to say with their knickers in a twist) trying to cancel transexuals could care less about the health and welfare of the individuals or the families or the communities who will be most affected, nor do they believe trans pose a mortal threat to this country. They believe in nothing but getting reelected which means stirring up righteous indignation about “other people” that need to be stopped so that “we” (normal people) can reassert our power over all. In other words, to get on TV and own those libs.
To those “fiscally conservative but socially liberal” readers (I know that dodge, I used to use it myself) who regard themselves as Republicans: there are two branches of the current GOP: the southern racist wing and the national dumbass wing. Yes, there’s a lot of overlap. Neither branch is fiscally conservative and neither branch is socially liberal. The branch that read books and held high-minded debates about Conservatism is kaput. Paul Ryan is gone, Ronald Reagan is gone, Jack Kemp is gone, William F. Buckley is gone (but Qanon has his brain), while Mitch McConnell has tucked his head back inside his shell. Voting for Republicans, any Republicans, is like voting for a bunch of disoriented half-crazed old white folks in a tour bus driven by no one, tumbling off a cliff while they all shoot randomly out the window. If I had to bet on the winner of this death struggle for the future of America, I’ll take the sissies everyday.
Wow !! Amen and well said !! Love your writing . Keep them coming PLEASE .
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