My New (Only) Favorite Royal

As readers of American Carnage may recall, I decided some time ago to no longer subsidize the whitewashing of Britain’s colonial atrocities by watching shows like The Crown.  Regarding the current batch of “royals”, my main reaction is a bemused yawn and on to things that matter.  But I learned something this morning.  I learned that I actually do enjoy and appreciate one of the beautifully dressed anachronisms rattling around Buckingham Palace.  His name is Prince Philip and he died last week.  Over a “career” evidently spanning several centuries, the old boy managed to blithely insult almost everyone he met.  Don’t misunderstand, I disapprove of each and everyone of these nasty arrogant, pompous, clueless, out of touch, sexist, racist quips — but in a group of barely distinguishable mostly ornamental creatures (who is Prince Andrew again?) who’s public comments are notable only for saying nothing of the slightest interest, here is a man who knows how to really stick his foot in his mouth, good and hard.  And because he’s a royal and he’s a man and he’s white and he was born before WWII, no one expects him to have the slightest regret.  As Oscar Wilde may or may not have said: it’s better to be interesting and bad than boring and good.  Words to live by!

Without further ado, I give you Prince Philip’s greatest hits:

• To a driving instructor in Scotland in 1995, he said: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?”
• To residents of the Cayman Islands, he said: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
• On his daughter, Princess Anne: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”
• “I declare this thing open, whatever it is.” (on a visit to Canada in 1969).
• To a group of female Labour Party lawmakers during a reception at Buckingham Palace: “Ah, so this is feminist corner then.”
• ‘You’re too fat to be an astronaut.’ (to 13-year-old Andrew Adams who told Philip he wanted to go into space. Salford, 2001).
• ‘The Philippines must be half empty as you’re all here running the NHS.’ (on meeting a Filipino nurse at a Luton hospital in February 2013)
• ‘How many people have you knocked over this morning on that thing?’ (meeting disabled David Miller who drives a mobility scooter at the Valentine Mansion in Redbridge in March 2012)
• During a trip to Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves.”
• “Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed” (during the 1981 recession).
• “You are a woman, aren’t you?”(In Kenya, in 1984, after accepting a small gift from a local woman).

• “Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?” To designer Stephen Judge about his tiny goatee beard.

• ‘Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease.’ (in Australia, in 1992, when asked to stroke a Koala bear).
• ‘Are you asking me if the Queen is going to die?’ (on being questioned on when the Prince of Wales would succeed to the throne)
• “Bits are beginning to drop off.” (on approaching his 90th birthday, 2011).

   

He sounds like what everyone’s parents would sound like if they were royalty and forced to attend a lot of boring functions…